I used to have a
vagina many would be jealous of.
I was hypersensitive and an orgasm – or five – was never far away. With
my own hands, I could climax within minutes and even a clumsy sexual
partner could bring me over the edge.
Then a silent torturer reared its head and took that special power away.
First I experienced intense periods of pins and needles in my pelvic
area, followed by a change in vaginal sensation.
As time went on, I noticed sharp pains inside my vagina whenever I
became aroused, and during sex I found penetration more and more
uncomfortable. I even had to stop using tampons.
I’d read about studies showing that doctors often do not take female
pain as seriously as male pain, and I was terrified that my symptoms
would be brushed off by my GP. I had never heard of anyone dealing with
symptoms like mine, so I kept quiet and hoped it would eventually go
away.
One year ago, I plucked up the courage to discuss it with my
gynaecologist who did a very gentle pelvic exam and later determined
that I had vaginismus, a condition that causes involuntary contractions
in the muscles around the opening of the vagina, which can make
penetration painful or, in some cases, impossible.
My doctor stressed that diagnosis only comes as a result of excluding
all other possible conditions. Like many chronic pain issues, it is
difficult to properly diagnose. This news made me feel as though it was
all in my head and I was at a loss for what to do next.
While I waited to be referred to a specialist physiotherapist, I knew I
had to start healing on my own.
Losing the intense connection I had with my body felt like a part of me
had been torn away, like a part of my identity had disappeared inside
the trickery of my own vagina. I had been betrayed by the one body part I
had always found reliable.
I had to take a break from being physical with my partner. I knew
that reconnecting with myself first was far more important than trying
to force penetrative sex before I was ready. I could not find pleasure
with another person until I had recovered my own.
Unfortunately, there is no medication to magically fix the condition. It
all comes down to psychology and physiotherapy.
My gynaecologist thought that my condition was probably related to past
sexual traumas, so I decided to try reconnecting with my body through
pleasure. I found self-pleasure to be a powerful tool for my
psychological and physical recovery because it helped me to reclaim my
body.
To start with, I had to take a break from being physical with my
partner. I knew that reconnecting with myself first was far more
important than trying to force penetrative sex before I was ready. I
could not find pleasure with another person until I had recovered my
own.
I spent a lot of time horizontal in bed with various forms of vibrators.
I explored every inch of my body, rediscovering erogenous zones and a
newfound love for my vagina.
While my symptoms have not disappeared, I am learning how to manage them
better and to use relaxation to ease any discomfort. I am still waiting
to see a specialist physiotherapist but I have already made progress
and I am hopeful that I will return to my orgasm glory days in the
future.
The condition can feel incredibly lonely. Few people want to talk
publicly about how your vagina is too painful to enjoy sex and those who
do are few and far between.
This is clearly a symptom of our wider social issues, which continues to
devalue female pleasure and prioritise the male orgasm. While erectile
dysfunction gets a global stage and fundraising to match, conditions
that affect people with vaginas are all too frequently ignored,
misdiagnosed or treated with disbelief. I refuse to acquiesce to this
trend any longer.
To combat this, we have to become our own advocates so that we can raise
awareness of condition such as vaginismus and improve diagnostic rates.
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