Improving Self Love

It’s easy to imagine that, if you feel unconditionally worthwhile, if you have access to a deep source of self-compassion and affection and joy, then you will care less about changing or pursuing your goals. This was my worry, so I want to tackle it head-on.

I think turning into jello is a very understandable worry. A lot of people go their whole lives making their self-worth conditional in order to act better: they take damage–dislike or judge themselves–whenever they act imperfectly or realise they are imperfect or don’t achieve the things they want to. In a world as unfair and uncontrollable as this one, I think taking so much damage is often not that functional. Moreover, I claim that you can care deeply while feeling worthwhile and suffused with compassion and affection and joy. All that said, messing with the strategy that helps you act better is a big deal (see Risks).

I don’t have any good arguments about how often we’d expect people to turn to jello, besides looking at the people who have walked the path. However, I’m confident that more self-love does not necessitate less caring, because I and many others have experienced that more self-love leads to more caring. Nick Cammarata says that he has never seen people turn into jello, and that, “In fact, it usually pushes [people] far in the other direction”. This accords with the behaviourism literature (at least as summarized in “Don’t Shoot the Dog“), which claims that both animals and humans are best trained by only giving them rewards and no punishments. This probably generalizes to internal rewards and punishments, which are largely learned and internalized based on how people have treated us in the past.

I’m reminded of Nate Soares’ writings on Replacing Guilt. He writes that it’s you that cares about your goals, that wants to become stronger or save the world. Those things that you actually care about won’t go away with more self-love; what changes is your strategy for pursuing them. You no longer pursue things in order to feel worthwhile, but simply because you want to. Indeed, it is not self-loving to shut down those parts of you that care about things. An essential component of self-love, as I see it, is being there with and feeling fully whatever is happening for me, especially when I want things to be different.

Risks

• Your goals and strategies might change, even if your values remain the same. For example, I was aiming to pursue a PhD in machine learning, partly because I thought it would make me worthwhile. When I felt worthwhile I stopped that; I was able to think more freely about which strategy looked best according to my values.
• Changing your brain might have negative effects in the short term, even if things are good in the end. For example, as I walked down the self-love path I felt my external obligations start to drop away. While things are clearly better now, I’m still figuring out how to be internally motivated and also get shit done, and for a while I got less shit done than when I was able to coerce myself.
• It’s easy to misunderstand what you’re aiming for.
• It’s also easy to miss your target. For example, for a while, I used to throw what I thought was compassion at negative emotions and they would go away. And on the surface that seems kinda reasonable. But, for me, industry-grade compassion requires seeing the emotions fully–holding them and understanding them and letting them be felt as strongly as they want to be felt.
• The techniques you use to develop self-love might have side effects of their own. For example, if you’re doing a lot of meditation I would be surprised if you didn’t have some negative experiences at some point. (That said, lovingkindness meditation seems like one of the safer types, and I’m broadly pro-meditation.)

How to self-love

I’m really confused about this, sorry. The path is muddy, at least to me. That’s why I focused on describing self-love. I realise that this might be frustrating, especially if I managed to get you excited about self-love. That said, I decided to write something here rather than nothing. Please take this section with a bunch of salt.

Nick thinks that the two most promising avenues are solo MDMA trips and metta (lovingkindness) meditation. 

MDMA: I am not recommending that people take MDMA, because that would be illegal, and because I have no idea what your situation is. If you intend to take MDMA, please do some research on safety (e.g. read at least this and this) to get a sense of the costs, and because you can substantially reduce risks and side effects if you do decide to take it. Here is my impression of the benefits: MDMA makes you feel a lot of love–very likely a lot more than you’ve ever experienced, possibly orders of magnitude more–including self-love. I’ve seen and heard of many people experiencing extremely large and lasting improvements to self-love when they take MDMA alone, close their eyes, and focus on investigating their experiences–including how they relate to themselves. This accords with preliminary research on the efficacy of MDMA-assisted therapy for PTSD. My guess for why this happens is that MDMA is extremely good at memory reconsolidation a la Unlocking the Emotional Brain, presumably because it makes painful experiences/memories safe to look at and the love makes them easy to rewrite. Another benefit is that it gives you some information about what it’s like to have self-love–for example, you might for the first time experience complete self-acceptance while also caring deeply about doing things and changing, and that’s cool if that was a crux for you wanting more self-love. It also substantially clarifies what to aim for when sober, which is important:

Nick: “I can’t overstate how impossible it would have been for me to get to a state of self-love without MDMA, even after hundreds of hours of metta (which I did before the MDMA). Not sure it’ll be the case for everyone, but I suspect it makes things way easier”.

Lovingkindness meditation (metta): Metta is a slower way to increase your capacity for love, albeit substantially. You could think of metta as doing reps to strengthen the love muscle (but more beautiful than that). Alongside love, metta also builds awareness, indistractability, sensory clarity, and equanimity–all of which are pretty useful for self-love. Below, I discuss some introspection techniques that might be useful. One reason to expect metta to be better than those techniques is that, when you’re good at it, metta has feedback loops that can get you into very high self-love states. Resources: The canonical metta book is this one, but I think it’s mostly good for giving you models and not for practice. Kaj Sotala says that lots of people find TWIM really effective. Here’s a guided meditation and here’s one with a different style. You can do concentration meditation with love as the object of concentration instead of the breath, and can get coaching for that here.

Other things that might help

I wrote this section for someone like me a year ago–someone who strongly wants self-love and is desperate to read anything they can about how to get it. Consequently, this section is long and lower-quality; feel free to skip it!

Deepen your understanding of self-love: If you have an hour or two, searching for ‘@nickcammarata self-love’ might be the best use of your self-love time. You could also try to spend lots of time with/read/take workshops with/take retreats with people who are really good at self-love. I don’t know of specific people but you might find some within Nick’s Twitter circles and (lovingkindness/metta) meditation communities (Tara Brach, Sharon Salzburg).

Be with yourself: Being with yourself (your experiences) is the training ground for self-love. It is hard to become your best friend if you do not know yourself. Being with yourself requires some baseline self-love, though–it might not be good or advisable at first. One idea is to walk around without external input when possible. You can also be with yourself whenever you notice suffering, or even moment-to-moment (e.g. while working)–though this requires some skill to be able to do with little cost (see this course). I refresh my awareness about my experiences very frequently, and sometimes the awareness is roughly continuous.

Figure out what you believe: The ability to self-love seems strongly mediated by ones (implicit) beliefs about whether it’s safe and good to do so. So I would focus on figuring out what you believe. Indeed, many of the introspection techniques I list below work to facilitate this process, and could be done with this process in mind. You can ask yourself, with gentle curiosity, why you don’t want self-love or why you think it’s good to make your self-worth conditional. This is important because there are probably reasons, and your current set-up might be doing something very useful (such as guilt-based motivation). And until you understand those functions it will be hard and maybe bad to shift things up.

Introspection/therapy techniques: Explaining each technique well is beyond the scope of this post, but I have linked to a short blog post and a more comprehensive resource where possible.

• Coherence therapy (book) and memory reconsolidation for self-affection. I think these posts are worth reading even if you don’t intend to practice the techniques, because they have useful models of how therapy progress works.
• Focusing (book) is a bread-and-butter self-inquiry technique. Getting good at focusing will probably aid many self-love strategies. You can also use focusing to enquire directly about self-love. Jack from CFAR facilitates high-quality and very reasonably-priced focusing sessions.
• Internal family systems (book) is a type of therapy that works with your parts. You could try to find an IFS therapist but I expect the average therapist to bad.
• I haven’t tried this but my therapist (who I trust) recommends compassion-focused therapy. “The primary focus of CFT is identifying sources of resistance to (self-)compassion and then building and strengthening the compassionate self (the Healthy Adult mode in Schema Therapy; the Wise Mind in Dialectical Behavior Therapy).”
• I just heard about Core Transformation (book) and it seems really cool but I don’t know how cool. Maybe read the blog post?
• Kaj Sotala says he got significant value from guided Ideal Parent Figure practice (guided meditation, course, book–see chapter 8). The idea is that a lot of our emotional conditioning around self-worth comes from childhood, where we learn what kinds of behaviours get us love and acceptance from our caregivers. IPF exploits the fact that the emotional brain doesn’t fully distinguish between the real and the imagined, so you can reprogram your mind by imagining yourself as a young child with ideal parents who always express unconditional love and delight towards you.
• The exercises from Self-Compassion (book) seem pretty good. I read the book a while ago but can’t remember how good it was.

Miscellaneous:

• Other meditation: either concentration (this is mostly what I did) or noting (what I weakly recommend now). These techniques build skills (concentration, sensory clarity, equanimity, and awareness) that I expect to indirectly affect all of your other self-love endeavors (including MDMA). You can get coaching for concentration (and metta) meditation here.
• Expanded awareness: A big part of self-love is holding your experience in awareness. This course will help you do that.
• Therapy.

Other books:

• Radical Acceptance (I remember really enjoying this). It worked strongly on the belief level for me. Some people might be a bit allergic to the Buddhist stuff.
• Replacing Guilt (is truly awesome). Also works really strongly on the belief level. Written for people like you.
• Mindful Compassion (my therapist recommends this and I trust her but I haven’t read it).

Like Our Story ? Donate to Support Us, Click Here

You want to share a story with us? Do you want to advertise with us? Do you need publicity/live coverage for product, service, or event? Contact us on WhatsApp +16477721660 or email Adebaconnector@gmail.com