I’ve been declared wanted by the Canadian Authorities. A gentleman with an Asian accent called my line half an hour ago and said my name had been linked to a parcel intercepted at the border, containing “drugs, cocaine and meth”.Could I verify my full name? “Wolé Davies”, I told him. Birthdate? I reduced 7 years off my age, giving him that of a relative. Looking for something to take my mind off the heap of work in front of me, I decided to give him my time. So, there were several bank accounts under my name linked with hard drugs purchases and could I verify my accounts and balances? “I have $57,000 in TD Bank and another $11,000 in RBC” I gave him a postcode pulled out of thin air when he asked where I lived.

He told me I sounded “innocent” and because he wanted to help me, he’d have his colleague from the RCMP, another government agency, call. He wanted to know if I had “call waiting”. The phone rang again and another man with a similar accent came on, his “colleague” on hold. Could I repeat what the other officer told me? I spoke in despair – “He says I’m wanted for things I didn’t do.” I told him I didn’t mind coming down to the RCMP offices to clear my name. He said if I did, he would have to put me “behind bars for 46 hours”. He said, “we know you are not the owner of all these criminal activities” but he would have to re-issue my driver’s licence and social security with new numbers. I told him I was really desperate – He said not to worry and to follow his instructions. Seeing that he had to lock my bank accounts, I was to go withdraw all I had in cash and then deposit it in a “Bureau Income Tax Machine” with a QR code that would be sent to me. The money would be returned after 48 hours by cashier’s cheque to my new bank accounts. The reason I had to withdraw my money was so it wouldn’t be trapped in my accounts that had been used for fraud. He said a 3rd colleague would call. The phone rang even as I was talking to him.

This time, the hustler was female. She said her name was Chelsea Wong of the Canada Border Services and advised me not to walk to the bank to withdraw the cash even if it was only 7 minutes away, but to drive, as the machine I would have to deposit money into, might be some distance. I’d gotten tired of the charade by this time so I told her what I thought of her intelligence. I asked, “didn’t you hear the Nigerian accent? What rubbish stories were you telling me?”That Nigerian accent brings me back to the moral of this story. We should avoid the pitfalls of the European settlers who brought small pox and tuberculosis to the indigenous tribes of North America in return for the hospitality shown them. If anyone, even my countryman, hustles any nonsense hustle around me in this country, I will hand them over to the appropriate authorities without a second thought. I came to get away from that rubbish, not to see it reinvented here. When Chelsea Wong knew the game was up, she called me a “f***kin* a**ho**. “Don’t let me come looking for you, dear”, I told her, “I’m Nigerian”.

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